The Grad School Experience

Seeing as I am set to graduate in December, assuming I pass my single course, I have been reflecting over my life during the grad school experience.  To say life has been hard would be a dramatic understatement:  early on I had to deal with the difficulties of learning a new field of study in which I had little formal training; working 20-30 hours per week (often involving waking at 4 or 5 a.m. and being at class until almost 9 p.m.) on top of the course work and commuting 40 minutes one way three to four times a week has made me more tired than I could have ever expected;  dumping more money into keeping my twenty year old car running than the car itself is worth; the difficulty that comes with the deaths of close friends and family need not be mentioned; attempting, and subsequently failing, at romantic relationships is a normal hardship that twenty-somethings deal with on a regular basis; self- and socially-imposed criterion for success being unachieved like driving a nice car, being self-sufficient, not studying humanities because of the lack of money the field yields, the assumption that one should be in serious romantic relationships at my age, etc., are all insecurities that all millennials can probably relate to in some way; and, of course, my on-going battle with being a Christian that doesn’t buy traditional Christianity (one that started upon receiving an insufficient answer to the question, ‘Does God love Satan?’ as a third or fourth grader) is as difficult as it has ever been the past two years.  However, despite all of the milieu trials that have come with it, I still do not regret studying philosophy because of two things I’ve learned: peace and the further importance of community.

What I mean by ‘learning peace’ is this: I’ve learned to be at peace with many of the intellectual problems that come with being a theist in an anthropocentric world (please remember, reader, that not all traditional theistic stigmas apply to the author).  Dabbling in ideas from thinkers like Plato, Aristotle, Nietzsche, Kant, and Marx, and dealing with the ideas like Existentialism, Post-Structuralism, Political Liberalism, Neo-Marxism, Platonism, some extremely radical versions Christianity like that of Hauerwas, MacIntyre, or Yoder, has resulted in the acceptance of ideas I never thought I’d believe are true and the abandonment of ideas I held more certain than that the sum of two and two being four. Some of these ideas I’ve even posted about on this very blog. While I certainly have not solved definitively things like the Euthyphro Dilemma or The Problem of Evil (will anyone ever?), I do have answers I feel certain about. As a result of my studies, the doubt regarding the existence of a loving God and whether life has purpose has ceased has haunt me and the peace is nearly overwhelming. For this alone graduate school has been worth it.

A second thing that I have been learning for some time, but has been profoundly reinforced by grad school, is the importance of community. Keeping the hours I keep is not conducive for a healthy social life.  Often I have to go to bed early, work weekends, and spend what time I have left over reading or writing.  During my first semester I rarely saw anyone outside of work or class.  Many of my friends simply stopped inviting me to do things because the inevitable response seemed to be, ‘I can’t. I have to work early.’ or, “Sorry, I have to get this reading done.’  As a result, I have had to intentionally prioritize and maintain relationships. Sometimes that has meant giving up sleep or, sorry to any of my profs that are reading this, read less thoroughly than I should.  Friends I’ve held dear, some of which for nearly a quarter of a century, were something I needed to make time for again in my life so I did.  The community I’ve had with them has continued to be a source of joy that I could not otherwise have without them being an intentional part of my life.

            As I said earlier, this has not been an easy two years, but the things I’ve learned and the people that are a part of my life are priceless. I read constantly about graduate students who regret their time in higher education and how the debt they’ve accumulated is an unbearable burden, but I cannot share in that lamentation.  Without graduate school I doubt I could have had either the peace or the relationships I now possess and these have made all the difference. 

Will Pain

(This is a rough draft monologue for a character potential short story written when I should have probably been listening in church. These do not necessarily reflect my own views.)

When one gets older he either grow numb or increases the capacity to feel. I belong to the latter of the two groups. With the capacity comes mountaintop highs that are so filled with joy and happiness; however, I cannot arrive atop without first going through the valley. The sense of wonder, exhaustion, sheer awe upon arrival the shallowness of language cannot grasp.  The majestic view looking out over the hills that seemed to never end, forests filled with darkness for thieves to hide, rocks with sharp edges, and vast crevasses you spent the days, weeks, sometimes years, passing through are all a part of the beautiful scenery that brings that amazing sense of joy. One would never say that the suffering it took to get there is something they'd ever want to do again or wish on another, but simultaneously this onlooker would not ever trade the mountaintop view for anything.

Because of the mountaintop I say will pain! Will suffering! In order to experience such a joy one must know pain. When pain comes allow it, say to yourself, "I cannot hope to reach the mountain without going through these forests and hills! Even if I do not make it to the mountain I will not have waited in the village to become numb!" Because those who do not will pain do indeed become numb to it. They endure, they wait, they hurt without ever knowing it. Eventually becoming indifferent to their own plight and the plight of others.

I cannot express any action greater than that of love. If I am insensitive to the plight of others then I cannot love them; to love is to be empathetic, to listen, to share with them in their suffering. When one increases his capacity to feel pain, to arrive on the mountain top, he can in fact go back and love with a more exuberant capacity than any man who wills the numbing.

To will the mountaintop and pain is not to negate the hurt that comes in the process; rather, it may enhance it. Neither is willed pain a sadistic self fulfillment. Pain is something that all will experience at some point or another.  Why else would the pursuit of money be so popular? A piece of paper or metal that has no value other than that which we say it has. Money can buy things to alleviate pain. To avoid it. All just attempts to avoid pain that is seemingly the only way atop to take in the glorious view that so few have ever seen!

Willed suffering is also not to diminish any of the beautiful aspects of the journey. What could be more beautiful than a rose nestled between two rocks as if they were saying, “She is ours. We, though only portions of this mountain, protect that which is most beautiful and far too fragile to exists here on it’s own.” Nature protecting nature. Or a doe with it’s young in that fearsome forest filled with highwaymen and marauders? Would one have ever been able to see the offspring and it’s loving mother? No. I dare say none of these things would have been witnessed were it not for the journey that is pain.

However, this is not all pain. Pain can just as easily lead through a desert where the sun will scorch your head in the day followed by a plunging of temperature so drastic you may forget the sun altogether. Pain, she is fickle and mysterious of that there is no doubt.

Shield Maiden

Rapunsel, Rapunsel, Let down your hair.
Nevermind I simply don't care.
You damsel up in your tower be, why don't you come down and see the world around you here;
have a beer.

On second thought don't bring your persnickety ways around here.
You wait for a prince but none will come;
Simply because they fear what you're frightened of,
Yourself.

You could spot it if your nose weren't so high, or made eye contact with a passer by.
You're not in distress, don't fool yourself
Grab some shorts, ditch the gown,
pretend to be an elf!

Enjoy life! Storm a castle with a knight, surely he won't bite.
With a shieldmaiden along side him in battle, he is sure to not skitdattle.
So, be a woman brave and strong,
And don't stay in that tower long.

Wanderlust

I have recently been experiencing a bit of wanderlust.  Many of my friends and family have been travelling a good deal recently and that only fuels my intense desire to see other places. As for where I am indifferent (Boston, Colorado, Alaska, Seattle, the Dakotas, and Virginia all come to mind immediately because I do not have my passport). Today while feeling these feelings I was watching the sun set into the have of the Exxon chemical plant and began to work on this little ditty in my head. Please excuse the poor punctuation and cadence. I have no recollection of my Jr High poetry lessons at all.

Sun, Oh Sun, I saw you today

Setting in the haze all orange, yellow, and gray

I thought to myself, 

"Hey, wouldn't it be great if I followed you to another state!"

Though westward bound the desire of my flesh,

East minded I will remain awaiting refresh.

For You will appear in the eastern sky,

On that mighty day when Your trumpet cries!

Sin will be blotted out,

While saints and sinners begin to shout!

This time of night I want to run, 

though my journey has only begun.

Here I wait patiently,

For Thee and only Thee.

My and Mine

                I love maps. All kinds of maps of all sorts of places! As children my siblings and I would play the ‘Find Country X’ game on our world map placemats at mealtime.  Recently I found an old globe that we used to play such a game and was studying it when a thought came to me: every country has a border and people within that border claiming that territory.  I began to think about what it means to own something. Whether that is land, cars, a house, computers, ideas, and feelings even.  The words ‘my and mine’ kept resonating the next few days as I would talk about ‘MY car’ or ‘MY idea.’

We’ve all heard, “The best things in life are free.” This is true to some extent, but also the best things in life cannot be possessed. If they are then everyone cannot enjoy them.  The English poet Tennyson talks about his encounter with a flower:

                                Flower in a crannied wall,

                                I pluck you out of the crannies,

                                I hold you here, root and all, in my hand,

Little flower- but if I could understand

What you are, root and all, and all in all…

Erich Fromm argues that Tennyson’s need for the possession of knowledge has destroyed the aesthetic appeal of the flower.  It was unearthed and the beauty will wither away much more quickly and with fewer appreciators than if it had simply been observed without the need for possession.

                I have come to the conclusion that nothing really is mine.  I get to use certain things for the next 60 years or so but then what? Unless I am an ancient Egyptian Pharaoh, which I am not, I cannot take it with me into the afterlife. I am simply a steward that takes care of things, so why should I be attached to them?  In order to change this mindset I have attempted to stop using singular possessive pronouns. As a result, life has been fuller. It no longer becomes about the need to have or achieve something but simply Be, as Fromm would put it.

                Music, for example, has been extremely deep lately.  As I listen I often lose track of the time and have spent an hour simply being still and listening to this work of art someone has composed.  I have no desire to be anywhere or do anything. Simply enjoy the moment with God. 

                Empirical existence (life) is short. Go out and do things that matter rather than attempt to accumulate the finite. You will find that empirical existence is more beautiful than you ever thought possible.

To Get a Job

                “Go to college so you can get a good job.” I heard this throughout my childhood and adolescence.  Many college students have believed this, however when they leave college they are not employed.  No one could have predicted the recent dip in the economy so the falsehood of the statement is not the complaint. No, a much graver, subtle, problem has arisen from these words: the idea that we go to college to get a job.  Not an education, not to learn something, but to achieve employment .  This was not the intention of society but it has taken hold none-the-less.  Students have an attitude that they will go to school for four years in order to receive a piece of paper that says, “Hey, I am valuable. Hire me.” All this while learning gets left by the wayside.

                The conventional university arose in medieval Europe with the belief that intellectualism could help Europe as a whole. In 1200 A.D. France outside of Paris several students were having a party one evening.  Running low on wine, the German student hosting sent his ten year old servant to get some wine from a local pub.  Upon receiving the wine the boy noticed it was sour and asked the bar-keep for good wine.  The bar-keep then beat the boy and broke the German’s jar. When the boy returned to the party the students were outraged. They went to the bar and assaulted the bar-keep.  Hurt and insulted, the local bar-keep went to the authorities to complain. Upon hearing his story the Provost of the town responded by barricading the quarter of the city in which the school was located and raided in search of the German student.  After killing five men, including the German, the authorities left.  Students and professors realized they had no defense against such threats so they organized a union called, Universitas.  They appealed to King Philip of France who, realizing the income that Paris would lose if the academics left Paris, agreed to protect the members of this new union (Nelson).  Over the next hundred years these Universitas began to sprout up throughout Europe.

                The current American college student is a far cry from those early French and Germans who sought to preserve intellectualism.  Few would stand against an oppressive government for their intellectual freedom; however, we cannot place all the blame on the students.

                Three hundred plus students are taught at once at many larger universities (Sperber).  How can a professor be expected to effectively teach that many? As a result, many professors do not try. Students then become disinterested. Creating an endless cycle of students who have not regard for what they are in school to learn. This is a quote from a Michigan State student,

“…at Michigan State, I have had exactly four classes with under twenty-five students and a real professor in charge. All the rest of my courses have been jumbo lectures with hundreds of students… with TAs… Very few of the TAs … know squat about how to teach, some of them don’t even know anything about their subjects.”  (Sperber)

At a conference I was able to attend on Millennials, I was able to see first-hand how frustrated some professors are with this generation’s disrespect for learning. 

                The intent of people praising college as a means of employment was so students would learn information that would land them an enjoyable job, the result has been an apathetic stance on learning.  Let us take responsibility for the education system we have created.  University is not a place for those who simply wish to find a job so do not tell children that it is.  Students, on whatever educational level you may be, ask your teachers questions even if they become annoyed.  Perhaps this will awaken a passion to share their vast amounts of information with the next generation. Teachers, ask questions that will require students to think.  Perhaps they will develop a love for learning if you do not bore them with simply writing on a white board and talking at them. Together we can protect our educational system just as the early French Univeristas did.

Nelson, Larry H., Ph.D. "The Rise of the Universities." | Lectures in Medieval History. N.p., n.d. Web. 28 Mar. 2013. <http://www.vlib.us/medieval/lectures/universities.html>.

Sperber, Murray A. Beer and Circus: How Big-time College Sports Is Crippling Undergraduate Education. New York: H. Holt, 2000. Print.

Render Unto

Render Unto

                I have noticed, for some time now, many Christians complain about the taxes being implemented in order to pay for the new health care system.  Christ addresses a similar matter when the Pharisees asked Him about paying a poll-tax to Caesar Tiberius.  Christ acknowledged that the question imposed on Him was a trap but answered the question using His typical Christ-like fashion, with a demonstration.  He told these religious men to bring Him a denarius, the coin used to pay the poll-tax, and simply asked whose image was inscribe in the coin. They responded with the obvious answer, Caesar’s.  Here we get the famous, “Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s, and to God what is God’s.” (Luke 20:25 NIV) Seems simple enough but let us take a closer look at this poll-tax to see the gross injustice involved to see why it can be compared to our current situation here in 2013.

                This poll tax was something that was imposed on the Jews by Tiberius Caesar for simply living in the Roman Empire, which was not a choice for the Jews because they were conquered (Ryrie Matt 22:17). The Jewish people believed Canaan was theirs by right because God had promised it to them. According to the Jews to impose this tax to live there was in direct opposition to the will of God.  In addition this tax did not go back to the people or help their nation state in any way but rather went directly into the Emperor’s pocket (Ryrie Mark 12:14).  One could understand the outrage with simply with these facts alone but there is more.

                The coin used to pay this tax was a, as mentioned earlier, denarius.  This coin was worth roughly a day’s wage for the average man (Ryrie Mark 12:15). Today that is $58 dollars, based on minimum wage earnings for eight hours before taxes are deducted.  This is a good bit of money for those of us who are used to the college standard of living.  On one side of the coin was the image of Tiberius with the inscription, “Tiberius Caesar Augustus, Son of the Divine Augustus.” On the other side was a picture of Tiberius’ mother, Livy, with the claim that Caesar was High Priest, the man who made sacrifices to atone for the nation’s sin (Ryrie Mark 12:15). Caesar on one side of the coin was claiming divinity and on the other to be High priest; two very serious crimes in the Jewish community. 

                So far Tiberius has: taken the Jew’s land that was promised them by God, taxed them a day’s wage for his own personal use, claimed to be their High priest, and claimed to be divine.  No wonder the Jews hated the Romans like they did; yet what does Christ say to do about the tax? Pay it.  Christ, who claimed to be the only divine, had a right to be more upset than anyone about the accusations; yet what did He say to do? Pay it. Paul echoes this teaching in his letter to the Romans, “Render to all what is due them: tax to whom tax is due; custom to whom custom; fear to whom fear; honor to whom honor.” (Romans 13:7 NASB).  We are to pay are taxes even if they are unjust and to complain about is complaining about a direct commandment from Christ Himself.  I am not saying do not exercise the right to vote against such things, I am not here to take a stance on socialized health care. What I am saying is the things of this world will pass and we will live under a just and fair King one day, but until then let us live with an eternal mindset and remember just what money is, metal and paper.  He has promised and proven He will take care of us. “and to God what is God’s,” including our faith for provision.